Only a couple of weeks left tot he semester so I figured it was time to replace the Monty journal with something else. I only wish this year had been easier.
I keep thinking about the past and i think I'm so focused on the future it's hurting me a person. I want to believe everything will be okay. Life hasn't been easy. I guess it's not supposed to be. That's why it's life.
I've severed ties with some friendships that meant a lot to me. They shaped me in a time when I could have been anything. I chose to sever them because in only a year of separation i feel that they do not understand who i wish to become. I am no longer some kid who wishes to dress up and coast about. I want a career in a highly competitive field. All my aspirations in the last 10 years have been to become something bigger than myself. All things which I wished for myself int he past about directing and acting are still in the back of my mind, but Engineering is what i really do feel good about. It's useful and requires skills I have. It's also secure. This is my greatest aspiration: security. I've known the pinch of living paycheck to paycheck. I've know the worry of not having enough to go around. I've know the injustice of menial labor for almost nothing and I never want to know that feeling again.
I work hard in the hopes of creating my own happiness and not relying on others to supply it. I want to be able to take care of myself and to have a job that I will not have to fear losing. I work hard for a future I dream about. I don't think they understood how hard I work for this future. I don't think they really care about anything I want out of life. If they cared they'd have known I wasn't happy. Or, at least, I hope they cared. Maybe I'm just too good of an actress now. I can play any part because I'm not a real person anymore. I've assimilated into this world of work and rewards.
No matter what I have to remain aware of who I am and what I've become. What I want. Who I trust to never use me and toss me away. I have been exploited and I can't believe it took me so long to see it. I don't hate this person for using me. I just wish they'd been honest in the end and not blamed me for everything going so wrong. When a relationship is destroyed it is the fault of both parties. Not just one. I recognize my errors in judgement, but I wish she'd have owned up to her own.
I will purge these thoughts here and never speak of them again. My future and present are no longer in these thoughts or feelings. My life is now and forever separate from this person. We will never meet again and I am comfortable with this.
Next time I will be happier, for now I have finals to worry about.